Possessiveness and Jealousy in Teen Relationships
Piece appeared in print pamphlet for Advocacy Center of Tompkins County Teen Violence Event, November 2019
One in three teenagers in the United States has been victim to physical or emotional abuse within an intimate relationship, especially teenage girls (American Psychology Association). Jealousy is a natural human emotion, stemming from feelings of loneliness and lack of self worth, but if allowed too much power, can become toxic, manipulative, and abusive. Among the female victims of intimate partner violence, 94% of those age 16-19 and 70% of those age 20-24 were victimized by a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend. Teenagers' ability to regulate their emotions is still developing, so strong romantic feelings are more difficult for them to navigate, making jealousy more likely to take over as a means of control and seeking validation. This gives insight as to why abuse is so common within teenage relationships; however, that in no way makes it acceptable. Teens need to learn the warning signs as well as understand why these strong feelings are happening.
The media teaches us that possession and jealousy are signs of love and attention, reinforcing toxic and dangerous behavior. Unfortunately, these harmful messages are especially effective on teenage girls, making them more accepting of dangerous behavior, or even glamorizing those behaviors. This gives teen boys the message that they can behave in any way they choose. Almost every one of my female friends has experienced an emotionally or physically abusive relationship when they were in their teens, as did I.
This is normalized into “well, everyone has had an abusive relationship when they’re young, it’s because they’re young.” This is an exact Instagram comment ( a series, acutally) on posts about traumatic relationship patterns. It’s incredibly misguided and dangerous and needs to stop.
To put this in perspective, I myself was a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship when I was 18 years old (as were nearly all my friends). I didn’t figure this out until four years later. A large part of this manipulation was possessive and jealous behavior, born out of his insecurities and trauma from when he was younger. I used this as an excuse for him, assuring myself it was okay, applying the old adage “hurt people hurt people.” This saying is often quoted but is inherently misguided. While it’s important to recognize the harm that’s been done to people, it’s still no excuse – these people must be held accountable for their behavior. Anytime I would hang out with a male friend, he would demand to know what they looked like, their names, and a history of our relationship to reassure himself that nothing would happen. If I told him anything nice about a male friend, he’d accuse me of having feelings for them and promptly give me the silent treatment, refusing to listen to anything else I’d have to say. Eventually, I stopped seeing my male friends altogether, for fear of his reaction. I didn’t recognize at the time that this was possessive and dangerous behavior, though my parents and friends tried warning me.
Most examples and cases we can think of are heterosexual relationships, in which the male is the abuser in some form; this was my experience, but emotionally abusive behavior can happen in any relationship, to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.
1 in 11 female high school students and 1 in 15 male high school students have reported a form of abuse in their relationships (JSTOR). Women, as well as men, can be abusers. There have been multiple accounts of teen girls verbally and physically assaulting their boyfriends. For example, the trend on Instagram to start a fight or accuse a boyfriend of cheating or liking someone else’s picture for the pure purpose of creating drama, can actually constitute a form of emotional and verbal abuse (TeenVogue).
Possessive behavior and toxic jealousy is just as common within LGBTQIA+ relationships (BreaktheCycle). There are no mainstream news media sources that shed light on this issue, nor many mainstream films that portray it accurately, if at all, so it is important to discuss. According to the National Resource Center on Domestic violence, around 39% of LGBTQI+A men and more than half of LGBTQIA+ women experience a form of abuse from their partner. Dr. Frankie Bashan, an expert counselor and therapist, writes, “as lesbians, we have an extra layer of jealousy many heterosexual couples don’t have to deal with...what happens if we want ‘girl time’ without our partner?” Tactics often used in these relationships to reassert control are threats to “out” the other member, saying no one will believe the victim because of their orientation, and even justifying their abuse and control by saying the partner is “not really gay” (National Domestic Violence Hotline).
Jealousy is not discriminatory, it affects us all. Everyone is capable of jealousy turning into aggression or violence, whether verbal or physical. We must teach our teens, no matter their orientation, that controlling and manipulative behavior is not okay. That jealousy requires open communication and trust, and anyone who betrays that trust is not someone you’d want to be in an intimate relationship with anyway.